By now, you’ve probably had some well-meaning individual refer in some way to one of Kübler-Ross' Stages of Grief: “Have you moved into the anger stage yet?” Or, “I was in denial for so long.” The Stages of Grief have been useful signposts for our culture for a few generations now. They’ve been a way for us to talk about our grief together and have it be recognized. The OG Grief Stages, in case you’ve forgotten their order, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

But the tl;dr–one you’ve probably already intuited–is that the stages aren’t accurate. Let’s dig into why.

The Origin and Overview of the Kübler-Ross Model

The Kübler-Ross Model, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, was conceptualized by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". Originating from her work with terminally ill patients, the model outlines five emotional stages that individuals may go through when confronted with the imminent reality of their own death or the death of a loved one. These stages include:

  1. Denial: A refusal to accept the fact of loss, accompanied by a sense of shock or numbness.
  2. Anger: Intense emotional distress that can manifest as frustration or irritation directed towards others or oneself.
  3. Bargaining: Making deals or pleading, often with a higher power, for the situation to be reversed or for more time.
  4. Depression: Deep sorrow and potential withdrawal from life activities, reflecting the certainty of loss.
  5. Acceptance: Coming to terms with the reality of loss, and beginning to look forward to the future.

Originally developed through interviews with terminally ill patients, the model has since been broadly applied to various types of bereavement and personal losses, not just those related to death. This widespread applicability has led to the model being translated into 41 languages and becoming a foundational concept in understanding grief globally.

Wait–I heard there are actually 7 stages?

Yes, you may have heard about another model: In addition to the 5 stages model, grief is also described through a 7 stages model which includes:

  • Shock and Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger and Bargaining
  • Depression
  • The Upward Turn
  • Reconstruction and Working Through
  • Acceptance and Hope

These models serve to provide frameworks that can help individuals identify and perhaps understand their feelings as they navigate through their unique grieving processes. And yet, even Kübler-Ross herself noted that the stages were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages; rather, they were intended to help people identify what they might be feeling.

Debunking Myths: Misconceptions about the Stages of Grief

When we talk about the stages of grief, it’s crucial to tackle some myths head-on. Believing that everyone will experience grief in a neat, orderly progression through specific stages can be more than just inaccurate—it can actually be harmful. Every grieving process is unique, and imposing a rigid framework on such a personal experience might pressure someone into thinking they’re grieving 'the wrong way.' Understanding grief as a fluid and unpredictable experience helps us embrace our individual journeys without judgment.

  1. Denial as a Stage:
  2. Universal Experience of Anger:
    • Contrary to popular belief, anger is not a universal reaction during the grieving process. It's misleading to label anger as a definitive stage since not everyone experiencing grief feels anger.
  3. Bargaining and Terminal Illness:
    • Bargaining, as originally described by Kübler-Ross, pertains more logically to scenarios involving terminal illness rather than the broader experience of grief. This stage implies a negotiation for more time or reversal of fate, which doesn't universally apply in the context of loss.
  4. Depression vs. Grief-Related Sadness:
    • It's crucial to distinguish between clinical depression and the profound sadness associated with grief. While both require attention, they are fundamentally different and necessitate distinct approaches in treatment.
  5. The Myth of Linear Progression:
    • The stages of grief are not experienced in a set, linear order. Research now tells us that grief is far from linear. Unlike the step-by-step progression suggested by the Kübler-Ross model, your experience might feel more like a rollercoaster, with ups and downs, twists and turns. You might circle back to feelings you thought you had moved past, or you might skip some stages entirely. This nonlinear experience is a normal part of the grieving process. And, grief has no timeline.
  6. Acceptance as a Closure:
    • The idea of acceptance as the final stage of grief can be misleading. It's not really about closure, but rather an ongoing process that may not have a clear end.
  7. Misplaced Emphasis on Guilt:
    • Guilt often comes up in discussions about grief, yet it's crucial to understand its role. It isn't always about feeling responsible for the loss. More commonly, people feel regrets or unfulfilled wishes connected to the person who has passed.

The Personal Nature of Grief

First and foremost, it's essential to understand that grief is deeply personal. The latest studies emphasize that there is no 'one-size-fits-all' process. You might find yourself experiencing some of the stages outlined by Kübler-Ross, or you might not. And that's okay. Your journey is unique, and it's normal for it to look different from someone else's.

Grief has no timeline.

So, where does that leave ol’ Kübler-Ross?

I say, if it’s useful to you in some way to use the stages, by all means do. You might find it’s helpful when you’re experiencing a bout of denial– “This makes no sense; they can’t really be gone. How is a person supposed to wrap their head around that?” –to recognize it as a part of a grieving process. But it might also help to remember to not be too rigid about it. Thoughts like “I thought I’d moved on from the anger stage,” are an example of that rigidity. Remember, the latest research tells us that the human experience of grief is much more complicated than a straight path through a series of stages with a beginning and end. You’re not mourning incorrectly. You’re getting through it in the best way that you can.

Just the FAQs, Ma’am

What are the Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief?
  • The Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief, conceptualized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, include five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were initially based on her observations of terminally ill patients and are meant to describe the typical emotions people may go through when facing the reality of death or significant loss.
Are the Stages of Grief linear and experienced by everyone?
  • No, the stages of grief are not experienced in a set, linear order by everyone. Grief is highly personal and can vary significantly from one person to another. Some individuals may revisit certain emotions, skip stages entirely, or experience them in a different order, highlighting the non-linear and unique nature of each person's grief process.
Is there an expanded model of the grief stages beyond the original five?
  • Yes, there is a seven-stage model that includes shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and finally, acceptance and hope. This model provides a more detailed framework that some find helpful in identifying and understanding their feelings throughout their grieving process.
What are common misconceptions about the stages of grief?
  • Common misconceptions include the belief that everyone will experience all the stages in a neat, sequential order and that stages such as anger or bargaining are universally felt. It’s also misunderstood that acceptance marks an end to grieving. Instead, grief should be understood as a complex and personal experience where these stages might serve as a general guide but should not be seen as a strict pathway that everyone follows on any kind of timeline. Grief has no timeline.